CARING (1/11/10)
Early in my relationship with Andrea I had an episode of clinical depression. I found a book called The Zen Path through Depression soothing and helpful, and asked her to look through it. The book was not central to my struggle to recover, and my request was almost casual. Andrea demurred, fearing (I think) that she would find it superficial and also dismissive of medication. It took me six years to realize that, if there was a hint of untowardness from another, I would not only tend to shrink from asking for solace and understanding regarding deep pains and sorrows and how I coped with them but, more importantly, I would tend to be unaware of this avoidance.
The book's concrete suggestions are of mixed value, but as an Amazon reviewer rightly states: What makes this book so helpful is its tone. It pulls off the very difficult task of showing us how to face the pain of depression (and the emotions and thoughts that lie beneath it) while at the same time providing comfort and compassion for the suffering associated with depression. It is a book that can be read safely by those in the midst of depression. It will not add to the self imposed burdens and self-reproaches that come with depression. Rather, the reader is helped to see herself the way we would look at someone very dear to us who needs both unconditional love and limits, acceptance and encouragement. The book, written into two to three page chapters with meditation exercises at the end combines non-technical insight about depression with heartfelt advice about surviving and, if possible, benefitting spiritually from it. It is a book that helps us receive and re-discover self-acceptance, courage and gratitude.
Such support is priceless. Unfortunately, my avoidance-issues regarding lovingkindness contributed, not to my appearing easy to love (as I did to my depressive-narcissistic mother when I was a child), but to my appearing perpetually dissatisfied.
I believe that at this point in my life this longstanding codependency pattern is more a matter of ingrained habit than of heavy dynamics. Thus my path is for a while to lean over a little backwards to maintain awareness of my true needs and values. Writing this webpage is part of that endeavor.